Hangover

Finding a way forward in the midst of *gestures wildly* all this

I did not drink on Tuesday night. It was my first election night without any alcohol since 1992, I think. (I don’t remember anything about 1996, but I’m assuming I drank something that night, because I drank something most nights that year.) Yet on Wednesday morning, when I woke up after a restless night of tossing and turning and finally looked at my phone, I felt hungover with dread and anxiety. I didn’t want to drink to make it go away — progress! — but I wanted to die, briefly. As I did every morning when I was drinking, as I felt most mornings from 2017-2020. Four years of this already almost killed me — how am I supposed to do it all over again, but completely sober?

Then, because I am sober, I remembered I have coping skills now that aren’t drinking. I don’t have to get through all four years sober, I just have to get through today. Then, hopefully, I can get through tomorrow without a drink, too.

I talked to a friend. I hugged the dogs. I did not read the hot takes (or the cold ones). I tried to stay offline. I felt better.

Of course, feeling better in terms of my own mental health does not mean I feel better about the state of this country. Things are very bad. They have been very bad for a while. They are about to get a lot worse in 2025. And most of what happens is completely out of my control.

Because I am sober, I must keep that lack of control at the front of mind. If I start thinking I can control things, I will start getting upset at all the things in the world that are not going exactly the way I think they should. When that happens, I’m a lot closer to a relapse. However, you do not have to be sober to embrace this very basic concept. Because you don’t have control over other people’s actions either. You can either accept that and live with some kind of partial peace in your heart, or you can fight it and be constantly miserable.

In the past two days, I’ve seen a lot of people panicking. Some of these people — friends who are immigrants, friends who are trans — have very good reason to panic. Most of the rest do not. Like, I saw a Facebook comment on a friend’s post talking about how martial law will be implemented shortly after inauguration, and can you even imagine the logistics of that? This country revolted over losing fast food restaurants during the pandemic. We are a country of spoiled toddlers. This is why so many people voted for a fascist promising cheaper gas, but it’s also why kids aren’t going to be scrambling to join Hitler Youth redux — there’s no screen time.

The next four (or more) years are going to be dark as hell. I think that ultimately capitalism will tamp down the worst excesses of fascism, because money is power. If you deport all the immigrants, you don’t have anyone to work in the meat-packing plants, and if there’s anything white conservative men love more in this country than hating brown people, it’s eating meat at every meal. Maybe I’ll be proven very wrong. But without a hold on hope, I won’t stay sober.¹

If you’re freaking the hell out right now, I totally get it. But you don’t have to live in constant anxiety. It’s far more likely to kill you than any Proud Boy. Protect your mental health at all costs, because if you lose everything else, you can still have the resilience to fight another day. And god knows you will need it.

Here are some steps to take to find your way back to some kind of balance. (If some of this advice sounds harsh, well, we’re living in harsh times.)

• Don’t drown your sorrows. You get through this weekend to overuse drugs and alcohol and feel sorry for yourself. Then stop it. I didn’t in 2016 and it almost killed me. Drinking every night really will not make you feel better. In fact, regular or heavy alcohol use can cause rebound anxiety. If you can’t stop, there is help. I will be happy to connect you with lots of resources, just message me. If I can get through this shit sober, you don’t need it either. 

• Find the calm. Just a five-minute guided mediation can help reset your day. Can’t sit still? Try mind-body exercise such as yoga, Pilates, tai chi or qigong.

• Get the fuck offline. Doomscrolling and rage-posting won’t change a thing besides worsening your own mood. Delete social media apps from your phone. Delete Twitter/X forever. You can check in to see what your friends are up to once a week and not miss much, I promise.

• Keep your people close. Figure out who in your life is going to be there for you and don’t let them go. Did you know it’s still possible to make phone calls? It is, and you’ll actually get the unfiltered version of what’s happening behind the pretty Instagram pictures.

• Stay grounded in reality. Whatever is going to happen will be bad enough. There’s no reason to jump to the most far out unrealistic possibilities. Unfriend or mute anyone posting crazy conspiracy theories, whatever their politics. A lot of this shit is Russian misinformation designed to sow chaos. (Seriously!) Stop sharing it. 

• Stop catastrophizing and do something. You don’t know what’s going to happen after Jan. 20. Neither do I. It’s probably not going to be good! But you’re also not going to be in a gulag by the spring. Put your resources — time, money or both — where it matters: the people most at risk. Unless you’re one of my trans or immigrant friends (or a parent of one or married to one), this is not you. So find an established local organization doing the work and give them your money and ask how you can best help them support trans folk, immigrants, or women who need abortions. Don’t give to the big national orgs, stay local. It’ll make more of an impact. 

• Get involved in politics. This recommendation is only for the true sickos. But the Democratic party won’t change with the same old coots in charge. This is the time of year when local parties reorganize. Be a part of that reorganization and shake things up. (Sure, maybe we won’t ever have a presidential election again but I guarantee you local elections will happen 2025/26. You think 435 Reps in the House are giving up all that money willingly?)

• Take care of your health. Whatever happens to the FDA, you can still control whether you are surviving on Haribo and Celsii or on fresh fruits and vegetables. (Hi, it’s me, this advice is for me.) You will feel better if you eat better. You will feel better if you exercise semi-regularly. You will definitely feel better if you talk to your doctor about any chronic ailments and start getting needed treatment. Also, you need a colonoscopy at 45 now, not 50. Your insurance has to cover it (as long as we still have the ACA). Keep up with those screenings!

• Ask for help. If your depression or anxiety is out of control, you don’t have to let it take over your life. Your employer might have an EAP program that can help without the hassle of finding a therapist. Your PCP can prescribe antidepressants. Also, your insurance might cover online therapy/psych visits at a much lower cost than in-person. (Online may be less than ideal, but so is mental health agony. )

This isn’t a comprehensive list of ways to cope, of course. The internet is full of advice on how to manage anxiety, complete with detailed deep breathing exercises, mindfulness strategies, and ways to cultivate gratitude. There are 12-step groups, both online and probably near you, to not just help manage various addictions but also to cope with FEEEEEELINGS (honestly, the point of all 12-step programs). If your emotional sobriety or relationships are suffering, you can find help for that. (Even better, they are always free! So if you try one and hate it, you have lost nothing but a short amount of time.)

I don’t know that we’ll all get through this together, but I do know you can strive to maintain sanity in the face of cruelty and chaos. The better you feel internally, the better you will make the people around you feel. And at this point, that’s all we know we have: the people we love.

Have more tips? Leave them in the comments!

1. Pema Chodron would disagree, but I’m not sure that having any hope is a form of escapism. There’s a reason it’s the only thing left in Pandora’s box.