Unhinged
You have a match!
Hi there, it’s nice to meet you! Your simple pleasures are also a cup of coffee in the morning and the way it smells after the rain? Same. And you like watching football on Sundays too? That’s perfect. Of course I like dogs. Yours is so cute!
I’m so glad you like tacos. I couldn’t date anyone who didn’t like tacos. Or pizza. Pizza’s the best. Sushi too. No, I’m not a fan of margaritas these days, but I used to go crazy for them, sure. Nope, not cold beer or bourbon either. But it’s cool if you want to open that nice bottle of red after you grill a steak — I’m fine with other people drinking! And yeah, ordering guac for the table? I’m always up for guac.
You like Marvel movies? Who doesn’t. Yes, I’m okay with Star Wars. Sure, Friends is great. Yes, I did watch The Office. Harry Potter? Uh. Are you sure you want to call yourself a Potterhead these days? Okay, sorry. Who am I to say we can’t have problematic faves! I have to admit, I still listen to “Ignition (Remix)” sometimes. No, I would never admit to liking R. Kelly on my profile — that’s really a choice. But I interviewed him once, and, like, he was polite, I get it. Sorry, is that too much? But yes, I do like live music. No, not jam bands. Yes, I like Taylor Swift. All the girls do, as you noted.
I’m glad you aren’t looking for drama. So over that. Yeah, I’m ready to meet my person, too. Oh, your divorce isn’t finalized? That’s okay, those things take time.
So this year you really want to travel more? What are the odds? Oh, you have a life goal of visiting all seven continents? And also all 50 states? Oh, you want to do every national park, too? I mean, if you’re paying for all that, I could be down for it. As long as you don’t expect me to camp in the parks.
Yes, I go to the gym. No, not like every day. Definitely can’t lift weights like you can! But sure, I’m active — I do yoga. No, I don’t play pickleball, sorry. No hand-eye coordination. Yeah, I gathered you like hiking. And trail running. Sometimes mountain biking. Occasionally skydiving. Skydiving indoors? Well, maybe I could do that. Oh, you’re taking flying lessons? Having a private jet would be great. That would definitely make all the travel easier.
Oh, of course you work in finance. You’re not 6’5” though, are you, ha ha? Oh, you’re 6 feet? That’s plenty tall. Oh, you’re really 5’11”? So you’re 5’9”. That’s okay, that’s still taller than me. I’m not shallow like that.
Your unusual skills are being handy around the house, huh? I guess that is kind of unusual these days. Are you sure drowning is an irrational fear, though? Seems pretty rational to me.
Ah, you’re looking for someone with a growth mindset. I guess everyone could strive to be 1% better every day? Although at some point don’t you get to over 100%? Oh, but that means you’d be content, and if you’re content, you stop growing. I see!
That’s cool that your life goal is to write a book. Me too. I’m about halfway through — what about you? Oh, you haven’t started? Been there! Oh, you don’t know what you want to write about? You aren’t sure if you want to write a novel or a business self-help book? You just want to have written a book? Yeah, I guess AI can help with that, sure.
When you say your love language is light bullying, is that a BDSM thing? No? You just really like being kind of mean sometimes? Well, of course, that’s why you want a woman who’s fluent in sarcasm — she’ll get it. Someone who’s fine with being roasted. That’s the dream, right? I mean, I’m not not sarcastic.
Wait, you’re still doing Sunday funday and you’re how old? You’re really spending your Sundays recovering from the night before? At your age? Guess your liver’s holding up much better than mine! But, yeah, weekends on the lake are nice. I can see that. Can’t be on the lake without some cold beer. And wakeboarding. And jet skis. Gotta have those. Is that why you’re scared of drowning, mixing alcohol and boating?
Honestly, it’s impressive how you manage to spend so much time on the lake and in Europe and out in the woods. Is your job just really flexible? Oh, you’re retired now? In your 40s? Sure, that’s right, you work in finance, after all. Oh, you’re a crypto investor working on a passive income stream. Got it.
Do you take your kids with you when you travel? You do share custody, right? Oh, they’re grown and that woman in your photos isn’t your ex, it’s your daughter? You just looked so cozy together, sorry for assuming!
You want me to text you a selfie? Now? All my pictures are from the past few months — I really haven’t changed that much. But I’m glad to meet up in person if you want to see for yourself. Today? Now? I’m sorry, I’ve already got plans with friends. What about tomorrow?
Hello?
I can do next week if that’s better?
Did you still want to meet?
Hello?
You are no longer a match.
Apologies, this is the dialogue stuck in my brain after too much time on one particular dating app. And apologies to everyone who’s out there, just trying their best to find love or companionship or simply get laid. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just losing my mind after seeing the same thing over and over and over.
To everyone who’s not out there: Yes, I’ve really seen all these things. Over and over.
Reminder: I am still mostly underemployed! I’d love it if you became a paid subscriber! Don’t want to deal with Substack? Venmo me, and I will add you to the subscriber list. You can also hire me for all your copywriting or reporting needs! I even have a new portfolio website where you can see what I can do!
Hilarious. This is a great piece.
TOO REAL.